- [Man]:I love this town.
It's a joke.
I love jokes.
For that matter...
my life's a joke.
Did you hear the one about the rabbi, the producer,
and the studio executive who walk into a bar?
[ Car engine running ]
? Opera ?
[ Knocking ]
- Uncle Charlie! Hi, it's me, Lionel!
I just got here now! I took the bus!
- This is a bad time, Lionel.
- What?
- I'm not well.
- What?
Oh, Jesus.
A rabbi, an undertaker, and my freaking nephew
walk into a bar!
- Hey! I tried to...
Did you know your phone's out of order?
- Yeah, it's th
- Mom says hi. She's worried about you.
She wants you to call her. Could I--
- I'm not alone.
You know what I mean?
- Oh!
Sorry. Got it.
- Yeah, she's...
Come back later.
- I did it. I did whasaid, Uncle Charlie.
- Great!
[ Chuckling ]
Yeah, it's about Benjamin Disraeli
and the Tariff Laws of 1876.
- This is great. - William Gladstone--
- Come back tomorrow. - Tomorrow?
Oh, OK.
Um, I can find a place. A motel or...
- Good.
- What time? - 5:00.
- OK, I hope you like it.
They got pretty vicious, so...
OK.
? Opera ?
[ Engine cuts out ]
[ Music stops ]
- Fuck! Fuck! Motherfuck!
[ Engine sputtering ]
[ Engine starts ]
? Opera ?
Wait a second.
A rabbi, a producer,
and a recently-converted Jewish black action star
walk into a bar.
[ Laughing ]
Now, that's funny.
[ Man and woman talking ]
Brad?
- Charlie, we have a--
- I just need 2 minutes.
- I'm going into a meeting. - Two seconds?
- I'll see you in there.
- I was just talking about you. I had lunch with...
- That's OK. You don't have to think of a name.
I'm leaving the agency.
- Oh...
Charlie, that's bad news. I hate hearing that.
- You'll get over it.
- Probably for the best.
We really haven't scored for you.
I can't help feeling it's my fault.
- I feel that way too.
Sign this for me, would you?
- What is it?
- It terminates our contract as of today.
- Any projects we need to--
- There are no projects.
You've never got me a job.
- Yeah.
How you been?
- I'm good.
Well, suicidal.
My nephew interrupted that.
and he gave me this Benjamin Disraeli script.
- Benjamin Disraeli? - British Prime Minister.
- What happened to Tony Blair?
- You didn't hear? - No! What?
- No, I'm just kidding you.
This was before Tony Blair.
I'm going to attach Bobby Mason to it.
- Ah! Ha ha! OK!
You go get 'em!
Let me show you out.
- Brad? - Yeah?
- You got something green in your teeth.
- Hello there!
- Charlie Berns. - Rabbi Gutterman.
Are you here for the B'nai B'rith meeting?
- Actually, I'm here to discuss business, Rabbi.
- Ah. Sit. Sit down.
- I'm making a movie about Judaism.
- Judaism?
- Based on the life of Benjamin Disraeli.
- Did you know that Jews were not allowed
to sit in the House of Commons before 1858?
- No, I didn't know that.
That's why we want to bring someone like you on board.
As sort of a technical advisor.
- Technical advisor?
- Associate producer would be the actual term.
- Well, I'm a busy man.
The congregation, I'm on the Mayor's Youth Council...
I'm the Chairman of the West Coast Symposium
on Humanistic Revisionism.
We talking above the line here?
- Absolutely.
- Who's directing?
- Hasn't been set.
- Who do you have in mind for Disraeli?
- Well, in my wildest, let's be bold, anyone you want wish list,
and this is where you could help...
I'm thinking of going against type.
- Robin Williams.
- Farther against type.
-You've reached Steven Holly at Daily Variety.
Leave a message.
- Steven, it's Charlie Berns calling.
I got word that you guys are planning to run with a story
that Matt Damon is attached
to this Benjamin Disraeli Bobby Mason picture
that I'm producing.
I don't know how this story got started.
- "First-time scribe
"Lionel Travitz options in the low 6 figures."
- Don't believe everything you read.
- "Exec producer Rabbi Seth Gutterman...
"Mason's manager re-confirms Bobby's interest
"in projects with Jewish themes.
"Questions of circumcision and bar mitzvah
"were met with no comment."
I don't know, they seem really hot on this.
- Is this today's? - Yeah.
- "Mason chasin' Ben Dis"?
-What if the feeding frenzy you were talking about
doesn't happen?
He does kung-fu.
- Lionel, you're doing it again.
- He's an action star.
He's black.
Ben Disraeli was a middle aged, white,
like, historical...
- Fuck me!
[ Engine starting ]
- Lionel, this is your first script.
It's a $100 million Bobby Mason picture.
You should have such problems.
- Hey, what about You should have sJeremy Irons?
- What do you know about a Bobby Mason Disraeli script?
- Nothing. I have a call into his manager.
- Who's Charlie Berns?
- Did a couple of things in the mid-80s.
Broken Ringput him on the map.
Best Picture nomination. Golden Globe.
- Since then?
- Bunch of crap.
Last picture, 2000.
- Buy that script.
- Has anybody read it?
- It doesn't matter.
- Benjamin Disraeli? And Bobby would play who?
- Deidre, just buy the script.
- Howard...
Could you close the door, please?
Is it true the Canadians are buying the studio?
- Whatever happens, you'll be fine. I got your back.
- What are those?
- From the wedding.
- Whose wedding? - Cindy's.
It was really nice. Too bad you couldn't make it.
It was at Phyllis' house on Block Island.
Everyone was asking about you.
- What's his name?
- Tim?
- Tim.
- Good guy.
-You're a tough man to get a hold of.
- New phone system. Got to work the bugs out.
- Can I get your cell?
- Don't really carry one. Haven't had the need for it.
- Hmm.
How do I get a hold of you? Your agent Brad Emprin?
- He's not really my agent anymore.
I thought we could just wrap this up today, you and me.
- Wrap what up? - The deal.
Bill and Ben. Just green-light it.
- I don't have a script. - I'll get you one.
- This is the English Disraeli?
18-whatever?
- Yeah. - Bobby Mason?
- We'll tailor the script for him. I'll hire a new writer.
- Mr. Berns... - Charlie. I'm not that old.
We could date.
[ Chuckling ]
- I'm not sure what it is exactly
that you think we could accomplish.
- That's a really good-looking man.
Bobby's got a window of about 5 months before the Ridley thing.
So we've got to really move this along.
- I can't OK a script I've never read.
- It doesn't matter what you or I think,
it's a Bobby Mason picture.
- Well, Charlie,
we have a procedure here, and I think we'll stick to it.
I need to read the script and then get it to Bobby's people.
and then we'll put that script in development
and we'll do that as quickly as we possibly can.
- You are so good at what you do.
- Thank you.
- A lot of people, women in particular,
are really bitter and angry because of the pointlessness,
the powerlessness of their job.
But you have a lot of dignity,
and I really like that.
Thanks for talking to me.
- So you'll send me the script?
- Oh, now you're just fucking with me.
[ Chuckling ]
- Wow.
? Smooth vocal jazz ?
And then he say to me, "We can date."
And with this little smile on his face,
he says my job is useless,
I'm powerless,
and nobody gives a shit what I think.
Which is true, but I can't stand that he said that.
And I'm angry and bitter but I cover well.
[ Phone ringing ]
Can you turn that shit down?
Hello?
Oh, yeah. Hello, Howard.
Yes, I met with him today. Charlie Berns.
What? Well, why?
I told him we were interested.
Well, I just thought that someone might want to read it.
Howard, I'll do it first thing tomorrow morning.
OK.
OK, I'm going to do it tonight.
All right, thank you, Howard. Good night.
- Dinner in two minutes!
- Excuse me!
- Hi!
or Charlie Berns. - Hi!I'm looking f
- He's asleep.
Are you with Jeremy Irons' people?
- No, I'm from the studio. Deidre Hearn.
- Oh! Uh, right!
Um, hi.
I'm Lionel Travitz.
- Nice to meet you. Oh, you're the...
- Writer. I wroteBill and Ben.
- Well, good for you.
Can I get a clean copy of the script from you?
- Yeah. Sure.
Um, yeah.
- Well, I hate to wake him at 1:15 like this,
but it's important.
Could you...
- I'm awake. Come into my office.
- Uh, it's just right down to the right.
And then in the hallway.
- Down the hall!
I'm in the back!
You're getting warm!
You didn't bring coffee, did you?
- Sorry.
- I have pants on.
- Fascinating.
- No, I'm telling you that so you'll be comfortable.
- Thank you.
Listen, I told you we were interested.
Why did you take it to Universal?
- Oh, don't get all army-foldy on me.
I played your boss, not you.
Your studio's going to the Canadians.
He's got to go to the board
with the new Bobby Mason picture to keep his job.
I just nudged him.
I tried to nudge you,
but you're not nudgeable.
I'm a wily coyote.
I put a deal memo together on that pile of crap.
[ Chuckling ]
- You're a bargain!
- My fee's a little outrageous
put I do have you over a barrel.
The budget's $100 mil, plus or minus 10.
I don't know what Bobby costs these days.
[ Exhaling ]
- There's a tree in your pool.
- California Pepper.
- It's a Jacaranda.
- Here's a clean copy for you.
- No, no, no.
- Thank you so much.
- You can't see that.
- For me. No one will see it.
- No. Thank you, Lionel.
Lionel...
So, when do we start shooting?
- We can't make a movie if we don't have a script.
- Wait, I didn't want to embarrass my nephew,
but I hired a new writer.
You'll have a script in a couple of days.
- Couple of days?
- I have to pee.
And I wasn't completely honest about my pants.
- I'll see myself out.
- OK, tell 'em to call me.
- OK.
- How are they going to call you, Char...
How are they going to call you, Charlie,
if you don't have a phone?
- You are one sharp cookie.
Tell them, I'll call them.
[ Urinating ]
- Are they going to make it?
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, where's my script?
What's this?
Six Days of Darkness?
- I like that girl.
- Fuck you!
- How's it coming, Wing?
- The script? Yeah, OK. You bring the cash?
- Let me read a couple of pages first.
- OK.
Next time, huh? I trust you.
OK, weapons expert,
he go off deep end in Desert Storm, emigrate to Israel.
- That's good.
- Chick operative, she grow up in kibbutz.
Drive tank and give hand job same time!
- I'm lovin' it!
- Picture Beirut. Suicide mission.
-Bill and Ben?
- It's an indie. It's an art film.
Beautifully-written.
- Bobby Mason?
- It's William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli
debating tariff laws in the House of Commons
during the reign of Queen Victoria.
- Bobby likes it?
- Bobby hasn't read it. He doesn't read scripts.
It's his rabbi.
He's Jewish now.
- Make it work!
I'm going into the boardroom
and announcing that we're making the next Bobby Mason picture.
So make it work!
- Bobby cannot do this script.
Bobby Mason doesn't do words.
He kicks, he flips, he runs from explosions,
he beats people up.
I mean, what is this?
"I was not blind
"to the worldly advantages of such an alliance.
"I found you as I thought."
What is that? Some kind of joke?
- How about a calming chai latte?
This is what happens
when people take things that don't belong to them.
Tomorrow, you will have a new Bobby Mason script
on your desk.
He will kick, he will flip,
he will kill people,
and everyone will love it.
- Why are you doing this?
- For fun.
We're in the entertainment business.
I'm entertaining myself.
What else are we going to do?
Get all depressed and suck on the tailpipe of our car?
- Argh...
- Deidre?
Are you sleeping with anyone?
- Excuse me?
- It's just...
I haven't had sex for a long time.
- Oh...
I get it. You're shocking.
Well, I'm not surprised you haven't had sex in a long time,
because you're also crude and disgusting.
- Are you?
- I am engaged to be married. His name is Glenn.
He is a corporate lawyer. He's great-looking.
A gourmet chef.
He's got a terrific dick
and he really knows how to use it.
What else can I tell you about him?
- Wow.
- Wow exactly.
- I'm just saying I could've done the re-write.
I could've taken your notes.
- Lionel, listen to me.
You've already done the heavy lifting in this thing.
You've got your name on a Bobby Mason picture.
Relax. Enjoy the ride.
- But I'm just saying--
- Let me put it to you this way.
Think of yourself as the architect of a cathedral.
You decide where the nave and the pulpit goes,
but you don't actually paint stained glass windows.
You get a craftsman to do that.
- What if I don't like the stained glass windows?
- You'll like 'em, trust me.
- That's cool.
- Yeah. That's what we all live for.
Our name on a parking space.
Hun, how was work?
- Wow, it's cool. Is this all ours?
- Easy, big fella.
- Oh, the executive suite!
- Who are you?
- I'm Catherine Oxenmoor.
I've been assigned to you temporarily from the studio
till you get your own secretary.
- Oh.
- I started yesterday.
- What have you been doing? - Um...
- Lionel, go to the commissary.
- Hi. - Commissary!
- It's just across the courtyard.
Get us some coffee and something.
- This is very cool, Uncle Charlie.
- Deidre Hearn has been trying to reach you.
Should I ring her?
- No. I'll need 25 copies of that.
Get one to Deidre Hearn.
That young fella who left, don't give one to him.
- Who is that? - He's the writer.
- Shall I get Deidre Hearn for you?
- No.
- Um, where are you going?
- To get some coffee.
- Didn't you send the writer for coffee?
- Good coffee.
- They drorpped off these forms
for office furniture.
You can choose Southwestern, Contemporary, Traditional,
Oriental, Mexican...
- You decide. - You want me to choose?
- Yes.
Shit!
- What?
- Would you pull on that little string right there?
A little lower...
[ Engine starting ]
Thank you.
Tell Lionel I'll see him later.
- Who's Lionel?
- The writer.
[ Whistling ]
Very sexy!
- Excuse me? - Hot!
- What is wrong with you?
- Is that the V-series? - I don't know!
This is a cell phone.
Use it.
- This is a gift for me? - Yes.
- Seriously? - Yes.
- Oh!
This is Peter and Paul.
They're our new writers.
I thought we should have them here for the meeting.
Guys, Deidre Hearn from the studio.
- Hi. - Right. Yes.
Charlie, can we talk?
There isn't going to be a meeting.
The script has gone from a beautifully-written
arthouse film to--
- Action-adventure?
- It is crass, vulgar,
anti-Semitic, anti-Arab,
anti-Muslim, sexist--
- Pile of dogshit! That's why I got the new writers!
- We are not sending this script to Bobby Mason.
- We already did.
That's why we're having this meeting.
OK guys, let's go take a meeting.
Come on!
- OK, so, Ben Disraeli, freedom fighter...
Mind if I just jump in there? Put in my 5--
we wait for Bobby? Mind if I just jump in there? Put in my 5--- Should
- A little cart before the horse.
Bobby doesn't do meetings.
- I thought it was calledBill and Ben.
- This is the new draft.
- I'm sorry, Rabbi.
My assistant didn't get the new draft to you. She's a temp.
- I'm only the executive producer.
- Associate.
- We all know a Bobby Mason picture's not high art,
and we get some pretty horrendous scripts,
but Deidre, it's pure horseshit.
No way we'll do this.
- Paul and I have some ideas.
There are some thematic themes...
- Can I trouble you for some Sweet and Low?
- Mark, it was premature for you to get this draft.
It needs a lot of work.
There was a communications glitch.
- So the Arabs have the drop on Ben and the girl.
What if instead, he makes a speech,
like something from the Torah or the Talmud...
help me out. like something from the Torah or the Talmud...i,
- Don't ask me, I wasn't even sent a script.
- I know Bobby's been on this yit kick... No offense, Rabbi.
- None taken.
- Bobby is looking for Jewish content,
and we are committed to that,
and it is a daunting task.
- Guys, I don't know. I'm not a writer, I'm just a manager.
Like here, there's a big action sequence which is OK,
but then you need a rest.
And if there's ever a place for
again, I'm not a writer,
but page 36, joke.
I'd think that would be an appropriate moment.
- Two Jews are shopping for swimwear...
You tell this.
She tells this so well.
Come on, hon.
- So, that went well, don't you think?
- It did. You can green light the picture.
They need to start shooting by April.
- What?
- Hold on one second. Guys, great meeting.
- It went well. - Yeah.
I'm gonna have to let you go. Excellent notes.
Very intuitive.
- You want to fill me in? - Mark's going to try.
We'll have a script in 2 weeks.
- He's a manager.
- Yeah, but he really wants to write.
Meet me at the Sky Bar.
- Why? - To celebrate.
We're making a movie!
[ Engine sputtering ]
Crap!
Well, yahoo yahoo! We are making a picture!
We are a go!
They're going to start rolling the cameras in April.
You doing your laundry?
- This is not stained glass windows!
In fact, there's not a word of min this entire script!
- There's got to be one.
- No. You betrayed me.
This is garbage! And I don't want my name on it.
- You're just saying that because you're angry
and because you got taste.
But don't take your name off it.
No name, no residuals. Trust me.
- Trust you?
Fuck you!
Everyone warned me about Hollywood.
But it's not Hollywood, it's not showbiz, it's you Uncle Charlie,
and it's people like you!
I spent 2 years on this script!
I wrote and I re-wrote it,
and I didn't stop until it was perfect,
and this is what you do?
- Deidre Hearn liked your script.
And she's smart.
Keep writing.
All this idealism, it's charming,
if it works for you.
Write the truth.
Extol the virtues of motherhood.
But Mom better be 20 years old with great tits.
- There you go. Thank you.
- You want to explore the triumphs and failures
of humankind, you go for it.
But you better blow something up by page 20!
- Take my name off this goddamn script!
Shit!
[ Phone ringing ]
- Sweet mother of God, is it always this hot?
- No, this is autumn.
Summertime hot.
- When the terrorists are at the mines
and the camels start to run--
- Camels? No camels.
- It says it the script--
- I don't work with no camels.
If you want to make a movie about shitting camels, OK.
No camels!
- This is good. I like.
- We can shoot in that direction only.
Here we have the nuclear power plant, and here you have--
- Beautiful! We shoot in that direction.
- This is the Table Mountain.
You don't have a Table Mountain in the script.
[ Yelling in Hebrew ]
- Two minutes, guys, then we flip a coin.
- Nazi idiot!
- Charlie, we got a situation here, mate.
- We've searched fruitlessly for days for this exact look!
- We cannot shoot but in that direction only.
- Is there any difference in cost between the 2 locations?
- Nah, 6 of one.
- Call it, Levy.
- It's not a joke, it's not a game.
- OK, you're heads.
Tails. Hans wins.
- Not funny, Charlie. You mock me, and--
- Be a sport. Maybe you'll win the next one.
- I can't work like this!
- Are you quitting?
Levy, what's the name
of that Australian director you can't stand?
The one who won.
- Soundman, not the director!
- The year you were nominated and he won. What's his name?
[ Yelling in Hebrew ]
- Nightmare! Nightmare!
- You guys look exhausted.
Listen, Levy, Fiona Hicks.
I've worked out the dates with her agent for that conflict,
so can I book?
- It's all shadow. I cannot see her body.
Ask her to Polaroid her body, then I make decision.
- I can't ask her to do that.
- She have nice tits?
I assume so. She's 26 years old.
- Call her agent and book her.
Then have the art department Photoshop Fiona's head
onto a nice body and give it to Levy.
- Boss, these are for you.
- No, you answer them all,
or just throw them away.
[ Phone ringing ]
- Mr. Bern's office.
Just a moment. It's your assistant.
- You're my assistant.
- Your L.A. assistant, Catherine.
- I have an L.A. assistant?
Hello?
Did I get the swatches?
- What are swatches?
- Yeah, I got 'em. They're just fine.
You decide. Whatever you want is fine with me.
Just not Mexican.
I hate Mexican.
? Mexican music ?
- Mr. Berns, dinner is cancelled for tonight
and rescheduled for tomorrow night.
- Good. What dinner?
- With the studio executive.
- She's coming tonight? - I believe so.
- Is she staying at my hotel? - I believe so.
- Tell Andrei and Levy I'll take the suit to dinner.
Keep the reservation for 2.
Put some flowers in her room.
- Yes, sir.
- And a nice bottle of wine.
- Charlie, Danny Turner. How's it going?
How are you? How's the prep going?
You about two weeks out?
- Good evening, sir.
- Grey Goose martini, extra olives.
Thanks for the flowers, by the way.
- Who are you?
- Dan Turner.
- Where's Deidre Hearn? - She's development.
Look, it's no secret I'm not a fan of this project--
- Deidre Hearn isn't coming?
- No, you're stuck with me.
- Could you excuse yourself?
- Excuse me? - Yes, could you?
- Could I...
- I want to have dinner here,
but I don't want to have dinner with you.
- I'm sorry I came across a little strong
about the script, but I'm tired.
- No, the script's a piece of shit.
It's just that I don't want to have dinner with you.
Don't worry, I'll drink your martini.
Howard Draper, please.
Could you give Howard a message?
It's Charlie Berns calling from Ben Disraeli: Freedom Fighter.
Tell him Bobby--
That's all right. Disraeli.
Tell him Bobby Mason absolutely insists
that Deidre Hearn be assigned to be the studio exec on this film.
He says it's a deal breaker.
Yes, I would call it an emergency.
- Thank you for flying South African Airways.
- Thank you. You guys have been great.
Hey! Who do you think you are?
Howard Draper is not a man that you threaten.
And if he weren't in corporate shit right now
you would be so gone!
- Welcome to Cape Town,
mother city of South Africa.
- Where am I staying? - At a hotel.
- What hotel? - We're all at the same hotel.
- I want to stay at a different hotel.
- OK.
- I'm engaged.
- Yes, you told me at the coffee shop.
He's got a very talented cock.
Can I help you with that?
- No, get away.
- I mean, if you're just going to be bitchy,
shit, might as well go home.
- Oh...
So this is why I had to rush over here?
Why I had to rearrange my whole life,
because you thought you'd get lucky?
Well, tough luck, pal.
I'm here and I'm staying.
There's a new sheriff in town
and I'm going to watch you like a hawk.
Next time, try thinking with your big head.
Ah! Are you smiling?
What are you smiling about?
- Nothing. I'm relieved, that's all.
- About what?
- For a bit there,
I thought you weren't attracted to me.
I bring out a lot of passion in you.
and you brought up having an affair.
Plus, you referenced my penis.
I can't do tricks with it, but...
Wait, where you going? Hold on.
OK, don't hurt yourself.
- Oh, dammit!
Where the hell am I going?
- I'm not telling!
Ha ha!
- Temple on fire, shit everywhere.
Bobby run through columns, shoot bad guy.
Pow! Pow!
Camera track, Bobby see flames, Torah.
y leap in front of Bobby, Camera track, Bobby see flames, Torah.d gu
Bobby kick bad guy. Bye-bye!
Bad guy! Boom!
Bobby jump, swing over fire.
Gets Torah.
Bobby see girl.
Wounded, unconscious, legs for days.
Bobby pick up girl.
Bobby, girl, and Torah run.
Bobby, gRun, run...rah run.
Big explosion! Boom!
Temple destroyed.
- I shoot in pieces.
- No coverage. This is my shot.
My signature shot.
- I got a ballpark from various departments.
This one shot is well over 100.
We got that government fund we have to use up.
- No Fiona. She's only boarded for Cape Town.
It's a lot of money. Charlie?
- Deidre?
- Um...
This is not my area of expertise.
- Well, it is an action movie,
and action is pretty much all we've got.
- I think Deidre is absolutely right. Let's do it!
Hey Levy, you won one!
[ Applause ]
- Way to go, mate.
[ Speaking German ]
- Sorry Hans, missed that.
[ Speaking Hebrew ]
- Don't ever do that to me again.
- What?
- Put me on the spot like that.
- I was trying to include you.
I thought you'd like to be asked your opinion,
being a woman and all.
- I know you're trying to be insulting and I'm not biting.
Let's finish the studio notes.
- Go ahead.
- No, sit. These are important and we need to address them.
OK, we did these...
- Would you like a cup of coffee?
- No, thank you.
The studio is concerned about the fuck scenes.
Fuck scenes between people of different colours
can be offensive to--
[ Laughing ]
- I'm sorry. This is my job.
- Is it all right if they ride in the same jeep together?
- Yes, as long as she doesn't go down on him.
[ Truck horn ]
Wait a minute, what is that?
Is there another movie on the lot?
- No, those are Bobby's.
Bobby's pop-out, Bobby's gym, and Bobby's mobile temple.
- Ah... prissy.
[ Phone ringing ]
[ Sighing ]
Well, of course.
I have to call Howard, see what we're doing.
- Why? What's going on?
- They sold the studio to the Canadians.
- Hey, it's the grand poobah!
The big cheese!
- Hey, did you hear my great news?
I am starting a... Wait, what am I starting?
- A bold, exciting new--
- A bold exciting new chapter of my life.
- Well, congratulations.
- Don't you worry, a door closes, a window ope
- Hopefully not on a high floor.
[ Laughing ]
- Good night, everyone.
- Ah, don't you look so very Hemingway.
Would you like to buy a lady a drink?
- I would love to.
- Great.
Fresh meat to lay my troubles on. I wore her out.
- No, but I'm going to.
If Howard goes, I go.
Oh. I'd like a vodka on the rocks
with a twist.
And here's the twist.
I'd like a double.
- Yes, ma'am. - Thank you.
Yeah, CGC bought the studio. $2.16 a share.
So here's my question.
I am a team player. I am a paragon of integrity.
And yet still,
I am hanging onto Howard Draper's coattails by a thread.
I am draped on Draper.
He'll take care of me though.
Yeah.
- Oh yeah.
- Good evening.
- Ah!
You're a little bit early.
Deidre, this is...
- Gabriella. - Hi.
- I was told it was only--
- Yes. I'm not going to make you wait.
I've got that phone number for you.
- Thank you very much.
- I'll do a 3-way with the lady, but it costs.
- No, change of plans.
- You still pay one hour. - Absolutely. Shake my hand.
- Take my card.
- I'm going to walk away,
I'm going to say, "I'll call him tonight."
and you say, "Thank you."
I'll call him later tonight.
- Thank you.
- Who was that?
- Oh, Peter, my driver.
- That can't be Peter, your driver.
- That's his daughter. She wants to get on the film.
I gave her
But you were going to ask me a question.
- Were you ever married?
- Repeatedly. - Huh.
But that is not my question.
Are you having any fun?
That is my question, because I don't think I am.
I mean, I would love to be like you.
You have no integrity.
- Thank you.
- I have to take my hat off to you.
Hmm.
OK, give it back.
If I sleep with you, can I go home?
- No.
- Pff...
- Charlie?
Charlie, it's Andrei!
[ Shower running ]
- Oh! - Ah!
- I tried to call you!
- This better be good.
- I'm so sorry, boss.
Bobby's here. He wants to see you right away.
Evening, Rabbi.
- Charlie, any chance of changing to Bobby's hotel?
My room's a little small, and--
- No.
- Hey!
- Charlie Berns. This is Deidre Hearn.
- How you doing? - Hey, man.
- Check this out.
Crew hats. Are these phat or what?
Just want to make sure you're this type of shit.
It's real important to me. Bring the crew together.
Team-building.
You gotta pass the ball.
Excuse me, I gotta hit the rack.
Woo! Fantastic!
- Is this what you wanted to talk to us about?
- I got questions about the script, but that's tomorrow.
I'm excited about this one. The spiritual aspects.
[ Speaking Hebrew ]
- He said it was important.
- Thank you. - Good night.
- No, I'm sorry.
You know, I really shouldn't drink.
So I just believe we should maintain
a very professional professionalism.
Good night, Charlie.
- Good night.
[ Door closing ]
[ Dialing ]
- Oh, yes.
- You have room to move? - Yeah, that's fine.
- Hello?
- Hey! We're just finishing.
Fiona, this is Deidre Hearn from the studio.
- Lovely to meet you.
- Thank you for doing this. I'm such a fan.
- Oh, thank you.
I've got a bit of a concern.
In 127, after the jeep's rolled over,
and we're scrambling about,
it says I catch my blouse on the jagged metal.
Now I'm not a prude,
you understand, and I've been working out,
but it does seem unlikely, doesn't it,
that the uniform would tear just so.
See what I mean?
- You have a point.
- It's a little obvious. - Don't you think?
- Charlie Berns. Welcome to South Africa.
- We met in London.
- Oh yeah, at the...
- We were just talking.
- Excuse me. - Scene 127.
I just don't want it to look set-up.
- The way it rips off.
- Excuse me, Charlie, can I talk to you?
- Yeah. No, it shouldn't look obvious.
- Oh good.
- Any way you get your shirt off
is OK with me.
- Right. OK...
Well, I have an idea.
- Do you?
- I'm looking right at it. Call you back.
[ Chuckling ]
Well, they're furious.
They want to know if there are
other executive producers they need to know about.
[ Laughing ]
- Guys, Bobby needs to see the two of you right away.
He's pretty upset. He's at the hotel.
- What do you think? Monogrammed tallises for the crew?
- Oy vey Maria!
So what are you saying? It's too violent, you want to cut it?
- No, you're missing my point.
There isn't any guy who gets his ass kicked in one of my movies
who's not a major sleazebag.
A terrorist, Viet Cong, dope dealer,
anybody against freedom.
Who wrote this shit?
Plus, you got me running around with an Uzi.
- Fuck a Uzi.
- This guy's slammin' 50-caliber shells
into this jeep!
- You need that Mauser M80.
- Shut the fuck up!
This is about 2,000 years of persecution.
There's got to be more Jewish between these bullits!
Am I right, Rabbi?
- Well, I would--
- I don't disagree.
- And the chick, Fiona Hicks.
Is that a Jewish name, Rabbi?
- I have no idea. Many names have been altered--
- And what shit-ass decides the temple scene,
the biggest scene in the fucking movie,
we shoot it on the second day, huh?
- I'm that shit-ass, Bobby.
But here's what I'm dealing with.
- Andrei, I think I can s for all of us.
Bobby, you're obviously nervous
because we start shooting tomorrow
and you probably feel foolish
that you didn't read the script until you got here.
You're worried you're not a very good actor.
But everybody knows that,
and it's just not important for this movie.
This is nothing but insecurity,
which is completely understandable
given the grosses of your last picture.
So here's what we're going to do.
You'll show up, on time, you'll use the weapons we give you,
you'll say the lines as written,
or we'll sue your ass!
And all those Bobby Mason stories
you've managed to keep out of the press will come to light.
We all have things to do. You get a good night's sleep.
What time's his call? - 5:30.
- Good. Learn your lines and I'll see you on the set.
Oh, and for whatever it's worth,
I think you're absolutely right, the writing sucks.
I'm going to fire the writer.
[ Whistling ]
Wow, OK...
- What was that tough shit, tough love, tough producer...
- Yup. I'd say all of that.
- Are they following us? Let's take the elevator.
- He's not going to show up.
- He'll show up. - He won't.
- He'll show up. - Andrei?
- I wouldn't bet on it.
- I will.
- How much?
- We pick it up in the shower, where he walked in.
- 100 bucks.
- Andrei, you want a piece of this?
- Thank you.
- No, I meant of the bet.
Well, I don't want it now!
- 100 bucks. - You're on.
What time is it?
- 5:28.
- Morning!
Hate to bother you with this,
but the director doesn't have time.
- The scene this afternoon.
When... the black chap. What's his name?
- Bobby Mason.
- When he s
"Ambassador, if I ever forget that night,
"then my life don't mean shit,"
what exactly is he referring to?
- He's referring to the attack on the temple.
- Then what is his relationship with the Jews?
- He is one. He's Jewish.
- Oh, it does make more sense, doesn't it?
Thank you so much. Cheers.
Morning!
- It's 5:30.
Pay up.
- Excuse me, these are from Bobby.
The salmon was flown in this morning from Scotland.
- Bobby's here?
- He's been here since 5:00.
He's running lines.
He's running lines.you.
What's that phrase, uh...
Oh yeah. I told you so.
- And here we go, and rolling!
Weapons hot, and camera!
- Move! Come on! Go!
Stay low!
- Ben, you're bleeding!
- On my count, I'm going to take out the sniper,
I want you to get the machine gun.
OK. Ready?
Go! Go!
- Cut!
- Was that me?
- Come on! - Sorry!
- Come on!
Who is she? Is she a model?
This is an action movie.
We must stop and re-cast.
It's not fashion TV, man!
This is impossible!
I'm telling you, she throws like a girl! What is this?
- Let's give Rolf a few moments to work with the actress.
- Keep this arm straight.
- [Andrei]: I thought the last one was better.
- Now you're directing! Shh!
Coffee!
- And stretch!
[ Speaking Hebrew ]
- Are you coming back, Levy?
[ Speaking Hebrew ]
- 127 apple, take 5.
127 apple, take 9.
127 apple, take 19.
Take 22.
127 apple, take 23.
- Cut!
[ Applause ]
-Ladies and gentlemen, that is a wrap!
Thanks be to God.
- And Steven is the most generous contributor.
- Really!
- Of course Mel Brooks likes to come for the High Holy Days.
- Uncle Charlie?
- I hired him.
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- He's a terrific little writer.
He just has to clean up a few scenes
and up the Jewish for Bobby.
- Yeah, whatever. I just wanted to ask you.
Are you going to sleep with me anymore?
- No.
- Are you sure? That's what you said before.
- I'm sure.
- You understand the question? - Yeah.
- Uh, how did it go?
- You're good. Everything's fine.
- Deidre, I'm so sorry.
I feel like a fool. At least we got through it.
- Don't worry. Do you know Lionel Travitz?
- Oh, the writer!
Well, um, bravo.
- Well, I'm more the architect.
- Oh, Hans! Excuse me, sorry.
We have to talk about the pre-call.
- Wow, it's an honour to meet you.
How did your first day go?
- Not particularly well. Apparently I throw like a girl.
- Well, you are a girl.
- And I sport a black, lacy bra to prove it.
Care to join me in a drink or 5?
- Uh, sure. - Great.
Nice hat.
Oh, thanks. I got it in Los Angeles.
- Oh, I love L.A.
- Pull the scrim!
I don't care if it's broken. Get some gaffer tape.
Levy, we got a bit of a situation.
- Get me coffee.
- Terrorist number 2 has got a stomach thing.
- I don't give a shit.
- He does. He's stuck in the bathroom.
- There's a giant hole. Something's definitely missing.
- Need to say something.
I've been chasing this motherfucker the whole movie.
I need to say something.
How about, "Adios, motherfucker."
- A spiritual dimension.
- Yeah, a wisdom thing.
These are my people.
From Moses to Moishe.
That's a good line. Use that.
- Rabbi, wke the script more Jew ish?
- This script?
You could circumsize it,
it wouldn't be Jewish.
- That's the fucking problem!
- Say a barucha over the bazooka,
- I like that. - I was joking.
- [Levy]: No, not there!
- You're the writer, come up with something!
- Hey, shut the fuck up.
You're the writer, write!
- OK, I have, "Lechaim, let's fry 'em."
OK, "Shalom to the dome."
- Shalom to the dome. - Shalom to the dome.
- Thanks for joining us at 2:00.
Haven't gotten off a shot. Lunch was supposed to be an hour ago.
- You know what it is? - Hans can't get the scrim--
- I mean, you know what we're having for lunch?
- Yeah, I do.
We're having a giant meal penalty over rice
and a side of kiss my ass.
- Ha!
- Here you go. - Thank you.
- Enough putzing. Skip, enough playing.
-Ladies and gentlemen, listen up, please,
we're going hot!
- 5-6-8 split.
-Little bit more smoke in the background!
Action!
- Say it to me one more time.
[ Hebrew ]
- Ah!
[ Hebrew ]
[ Skip shouting instructions ]
- Yeah!
[ Crew coughing ]
That's my signature shot! I love you all!
- 78 alpha, take one!
- Fascinating.
-That's a wrap!
- Yo,mazeltov!
- Very believable!
Excellent shooting,
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
- It was enchanting!
- Ah...
I don't want to curse it,
but we could be doing some significant shit here.
A real mitzvah.
- Hey!
I've been looking for you.
Lionel did a really nice job on this scene.
Do you want to see it?
- If you like it, I like it.
- All right.
Well, that was a good day.
Levy pulled off his signature shot, God love him.
- Yeah.
- You seem more bizarre than usual.
Oh... Nice talking to you.
- I told a joke. I don't think it's funny anymore.
- Well, let's hear it.
- It's long and boring.
- What else is new?
- A rabbi, and actor, and a producer,
are fishing for scrod.
Did I tell you my daughter got married?
- Is this part of the joke?
- It might be.
Here's the punchline. Ready?
- Yeah.
- She forgot to invite me to the wedding.
[ Chuckling ]
- Well, you're going to have to work on that joke.
[ Phone ringing ]
It's Andrei.
Hello. Hi, Andrei.
What?
God! When?
[ All talking ]
- Sorry, you can't come in here.
- They're OK. They're the producers.
- One of Bobby's guys was shot. He's OK.
No one's claimed responsibility.
- You sure it's a kidnapping?
- Yeah, Jamal was tied up, Bobby was taken from his car.
The guys wore military gear, ski masks...
- Oh my God. I don't know what to do.
- We can shoot Nigel and the girl.
- Should I call Howard?
- Lionel will write Bobby out of the tent scene.
- Shouldn't I call Howard?
- Who's Howard?
- [Charlie]: There's no war here.
- [Deidre]: I tried his cell.
I have an emergency and I need to speak to Howard now.
Who are you talking to?
- The insurance company.
- Somebody has to be running the studio.
- Fine, shut it down. It's your dime.
I can shoot around him.
- If I don't speak to him before then...
- A week? Here's another idea.
Eat me!
They're calling it an act of war.
They're not gonna pay.
- [Both]: We're fucked.
- Does Bobby belong to any political organizations,
causes, that sort of thing?
- I don't think so.
- He recently converted to Judaism.
- Yes, I read that inPeople Magazine.
- Good evening, Ambassador.
This was delivered 10 minutes ago to the embassy.
-"My name is Bobby Mason
"I've not been harmed and have been treated humanely.
"The August 1st Brigade demands that Colonel America
"ends its support of the puppet regimes that destroy--
"That colonial America ends its support
"of the illegal and immoral puppet regimes
"that continue to destroy our lands and rape our cultures.
- What if we offered the kidnappers
Adjusted gross points.
-The terrorist group, the August 1st Brigade,
is said to be linked to the kidnapping.
The Scorpions are apparently investigating the matter.
Although Mr. Mason has recently converted...
- They'll get Bobby back, won't they?
I mean, what are they going to do with him?
-...but what has been confirmed is that two bodyguards
were tied up by unidentified men
and one member of his entourage has been wounded.
The men were apparently wielding automatic weapons.
The American star is currently in South Africa
shooting the film Ben Disraeli...
Freedom Fighter.
- Think we'll get a detention?
- If we're lucky.
Who's the grey suit?
- I don't know.
Those two are Bobby's la
Did you know Mark was coming? - No.
- Grier Clark, head of legal affairs, CGC.
- Charlie Berns, Deidre Hearn.
- Let me get you up to speed.
Insurance calls it an act of civil disorder and anarchy.
They're not paying. We're shutting it down.
Save the set, salvage what you can...
- I can keep shooting.
- Mason's in every scene. I've read the script.
Don't bullshit a bullshitter.
I need to go to the set and make the announcement.
Is that us?
- Yup.
- Yeah.
- Bobby Mason is a corporation
and I'm vice-president of that corporation.
First I'm going to sue the studio, then you, then you.
- Mark...
- Gross negligence, contract violation...
- Mark, we'll get him back. We've beefed up security.
- The horse has already left the barn.
- He's got a point.
- Yeah.
This is what I think we should do.
Go back to the hotel, get everybody together,
because everybody's going to be very upset.
- ? Everybody get on down ?
? Get on down now ?
- Sounds like people are pretty shook up about Bobby.
- Deidre wanted more security.
I said no.
- Bad decision.
- Going to the party?
- I'm trying to stay on good behaviour this trip.
- She's an excellent producer.
You going to fire her? - Yeah.
- Because of this? - No.
- What about- He's staying.
- That's a stupid move.
- I'll send a memo.
? ? ?
- ? Shake your stuff We can't get enough ?
? We're gonna boogie down tonight ?
- Woo!
- ? Everybody ?
? Get on down ?
? You get on down now ?
- Charlie, this is Glenn.
Charlie Berns, our producer.
- It's great to meet you finally.
I'm so sorry. What a disaster.
- Well, people get kidnapped.
- Glenn has been flying for like, 26 hours.
- Very gallant. - Well, I heard the news--
- When's the big day? - Sorry?
- When you getting married?
- How long you think it will take for us
to wrap out of here?
- You go home. I'll take care of it.
How long have you been engaged?
- We've been seeing each other for about 7 years now.
- Oh. Making sure you really know each other, right?
- Heh heh!
- Do you come from money? - Um...
We were comfortable, yeah.
- Old money?
- Charlie, enough.
- You're being fired. Taken to the cleaners.
He's a lawyer.
- He's an odd duck, hmm?
- Yeah.
- ? I realize it's just a picture in a frame ?
- Cute.
Vodka straight.
I will miss you. You're a very strange man.
- How did you meet Levy?
- At Yaboom in Amsterdam. You know it?
A whorehouse, yes?
For now he's director of this piece of shit.
But someday...
Ciao, baby. Must go party, party, party.
- Hey, boss.
- George. How's it going?
[ All cheering ]
- Charlie.
Hey.
They fired me?
- Yup.
- Who told you? - Grier.
- Because of this? - Nope.
- I have to call Howard.
- Draper's staying.
- He sold me out?
Wait a minute. Where you going?
- Where do you want me to go?
- Uh, well, Glenn and I
are getting a flight out tomorrow morning around 9:00.
- Yeah.
- So, I don't know. I guess we should say goodbye.
- You want a goodbye moment?
- Well, yeah.
Yeah, I mean...
? Opera ?
[ Knocking ]
Hi. I had an idea.
Can I come in?
This might be interesting.
Very interesting, Charlie.
I was changing money at the airport and...
Do you mind if I turn this shit off here?
The studio said to salvage what we could
and we still have the Prague incentive money.
You know what? It can't leave the country.
It's got to be spent there or it goes away.
That's $3.5, $3.7 US.
OK...
Are you ready?
We makeBill and Ben.
Lionel's script.
It's beautifully-written. What do you think?
I mean, would it be so awful to make a movie
we could actually be proud of?
- Where's Glenn?
- You and I could pull this off, Charlie.
The studio's in chaos,
so we make it look like we're wrapping outFreedom Fighter,
but we don't send home the sets.
We rebuild them and we use them forBill and Ben.
We'll keep Hans, Levy. Not Andrei, he'll rat us out.
We can re-work one of the Prague sets
to use it as the House of Commons.
Ian Chadwick would be great as Disraeli
and Fiona could play the wife, Lady Whositz,
and Nigel could do Gladstone.
We cast the whole thing out of London and Prague,
L.A. will never know about it.
- You think this is lamb?
- We could make a real film.
- Why do you want to do this?
Because if it's for revenge, that's not a very good reason.
Trust me.
- I'm not mad at Howard. He did me a favour.
The stupidest job on the planet: development.
I like production, Charlie. I like being on the frontline!
- All right, I'll read it.
- Read what? - Lionel's script.
- You never read it?
- Ah...
Levy, could you come to my room in about 20 minutes?
We're going to have a little meeting.
Let's keep it on the QT.
- Yeah. Where is the QT?
- No, I mean don't tell anybody.
Except for Linda. Ask her to come too.
- OK.
- In 15 minutes. - Sure.
- Keep this quiet. Fiona?
Could you come too?
- Certainly.
- Morning! - Good morning!
- Going to the meeting, are you?
- Meeting?
- Right, I thought you were a friend of Bill's.
- Who?
- So you're not going to the AA meeting?
- Oh, no!
- Neither am I. Much too early.
Maybe see you in the bar later.
[ Knocking ]
Morning, everyone.
- Nigel, come on.
Close the drapes.
- See if we have any extras...
- Charlie, we made a mistake. We shouldn't do this.
They'll arrest us. You're completely right!
I'd arrest us. Wouldn't you if you were them?
Let's just get to Prague and wrap the office out
and I can bury the costs of all this.
Did you hear me?
- Mmm-hmm.
- What do you think?
- They'll only arrest us if it loses money.
[ Speaking Czech ]
- Hello, my friend. How are you?
- Vladimir.
- Charlie Berns. This is Deidre Hearn.
Levy, our director.
Our DP, Hans.
- You've been to Prague before?
- No, never.
- How are ya?
- You have the blueprints?
- We're going to make the prison, House of Commons.
- He'll have to build it from this sketch.
- I want to be shooting on this set within a week.
- I can shoot Fiona and Nigel.
- It's impossible.
- Skip, call your mom and dad.
Because you're the new line producer.
We'll be back with Ben and Queen Victoria in a couple days.
- See you Wednesday.
- Where are you going? - Going to London!
[ Speaking Czech ]
- Just keep at it 24-7
till it looks like Parliament.
- Uncle Charlie?
- OK...
- Thank you.
- Group hug. All right, we gotta go.
He got snot all over my shirt.
He did!
- Just be quiet. He's having a big moment.
What do we tell Ian? - That we have Vanessa.
- But we don't have Vanessa. - She loved the script.
- She's putting in a bathroom. - That's code.
She wants more money.
- How much more do you think she wants?
- One bathroom.
Wonderful country, as long as you're a mushroom.
- When were you thinking of shooting?
- If I had my way, right after you finish your carrot cake.
No, I'm just kidding. Next Wednesday in Prague.
- Wednesday?
Oh. I wasn't aware.
- Vanessa wanted to call you,
but I wasn't comfortable giving out your number.
She's really passionate about this project.
- She's doing it? - She loves the script.
- I really can't.
You see, we're renovating our kitchen.
- I completely understand.
[ Phone ringing ]
- Ah...
Hello?
Hey Glenn, how are you?
[ Gasp ]
Um, hi.
I'm actually in London.
We're making-- Glenn, can you hold on for one second?
Because I'm getting another call.
OK.
Hi, it's Deidre.
Hey, Melanie.
You're kidding.
We got Ian.
- Imagine my shock.
- Ha!
Well, that's just great!
Thanks, Melanie.
I can't believe it! I can't believe it!
We're going to jail!
How do you do it, Charlie Berns?
- How's Glenn?
- Oh my God!
- What did you do with it?
- Shh! What if I hit the button?
- There it is.
- Hello?
Oh, hi. I thought I lost you.
So, things have changed a little bit here.
We're making a movie.
No, not that movie, a different movie.
- But he's suspicious of you, Ben.
- I was not blind to the worldly advantages of such an alliance.
But I have already proved my heart not to be purchased.
- You have nothing to prove to me.
- I found you as I thought.
Amiable, tender...
[ Airplane overhead ]
...gifted with no ordinary mind.
[ Airplane overhead ]
- CUT!
[ Levy yelling ]
[ All talking ]
- Morning, Lionel. Excuse me a moment.
This scene this afternoon,
this chap here, Mossad, would it be?
[ Laughing ]
CIA, perhap
- I'm sorry. I'm not sure what you're asking.
- This is a different script, Nigel.
- Oh. Completely different?
- Completely different.
- Oh!
Makes sense, doesn't it?
An improvement, I think.
- It's part of his process.
- Chief, I've got a developing situation here.
We've lost the Countess.
- How? - She's taking a series.
- I need coffee for this.
- But these are two lovely actresses
not from L.A.
London, New York.
- New York's too close to L.A. Show Levy London.
You know, this can't get back to L.A.
- Understood.
I'll have them sign a confidentiality agreement.
She'll do a lovely job.
- How far is Germany? Could we send out for some coffee?
- This is coffee. - Good coffee.
Blech.
- Excuse me, Colin.
- Yeah?
- Are we doing a picture calledBill and Ben?
- Take a break.
Not you.
Are you Berns' assistant? - Yes, sir.
- Where is he?
- Cape Town.
- Get him on the phone.
- I don't know how to reach him.
- You're his assistant and you don't have his number?
- No.
- How do you communicate with him?
- I take messages.
- I want to try the jacket on him now.
- Chief, do you know a Catherine Oxenmoor?
- No.
- She says she's your assistant.
- Oh, yeah!
Hi, Catherine. How's it going?
Oriental's fine. I love orientals.
Who?
When?
When's he coming?
- What if we lose the Thames,
put the chapel dialogue in the pub--
- NO, NO!
Yes, but no. Still 5 days minimum.
- Levy, can you yell more softly?
- Sure.
- Thank you. We don't have 5 days.
- He's going to be here Wednesday, in two days.
- We could shoot around the clock.
- Friends, I need more days.
-Skip, set ready.
- Everybody, keep thinking cuts.
We need to cut this sucker.
Where are you going? Sit.
- Cut.
- Levy, we've got a bit of a situation.
- We are a week away from having a film.
Why would they shut us down?
- They may be the wee-est bit pissed.
- Isn't it great they let Bobby out?
- It's wonderful, isn't
Think the terrorists had to wear yarmulkes?
- Let's just come clean.
- Grier Clark's an asshole.
He'd love nothing better than to shut us down.
- Grier Clark?
- You know him?
- Christ, I do. He's a total horndog.
- Oh my gosh, you know Grier.
- Let's have a chat.
- Good grief.
- What?
- Hi, I'm Grier Clark. You know where this is?
- Studio.
And I am Tanya.
Or perhaps I take you to hotel first?
It's on the way.
-Background action!
[ Instructions in Czech ]
- Action!
- Oh, my dear, dear...
Dear...
I'm sorry, what is it?
- Daughter.
- Daughter, of course.
Oh, my dear, dear, child.
The pleasures of life rarely...
They rarely...
- Transcend.
- Yes, I know.
The pleasures of life rarely... Oh, I am all flummoxed.
- Cut!
- No, don't cut it!
Oh, fuck it!
- Oh, you're bad.
- You have no idea.
- Oh!
-Background action! - Action!
- Father, I know you think him an inferior young man,
but my heart is--
- Oh, what folly.
You act as if no man had ever gazed on you with admiration.
I was young once.
Look at me.
A glow has returned to your cheek. I see that.
I'm an old fool.
- Cut. Mazeltov.
- Thank God the speech isn't any longer.
I'd address your foot.
[ Laughing ]
- Yeah, brilliant.
- No...
[ Growling ]
- Stay.
- Enough, enough. I got to get to the set.
[ Knocking ]
- Housekeeping!
Oh, you need vacuum? Me?
- OK, OK.
Enough putzing, enough playing.
- Skip, why aren't we shooting? - We're minutes away.
- You help with the table?
Ooh! Pardon!
You got spot.
You got something...
Ooh!
[ All talking ]
[ Crash ]
[ Both moaning ]
- Do we have another camera body?
- No, but we could get one in two hours.
- Two hours? Do we have 2 hours?
I don't think so, my friend.
[ Sighing ]
- Shit!
- No, you sign!
[ Women giggling ]
- I hear they found the black chap.
- Who?
- What's his name...
Fellow who played Ben Disraeli.
- I'm playing Ben Disraeli.
- No, no. Chap with the Uzi and so forth.
- What?
No, no! Linda, you can't!
They've left the hotel.
- Linda, go get them!
- It's too late. I did everything I could.
Believe me.
- Well...
You lose some, you lose some.
Call it, Skip.
- Wait a minute, Charlie.
We're one shot away from finishing this movie.
- Grier's shutting us down in 15 minutes,
and we don't have a camera.
- We'll figure something out. Something.
- Hang ten, guys.
Hey guys, camera's here. What do you want to do?
- Set it up.
- [Skip]: You heard the lady. Set it up.
- Listen...
- Come on, come on!
- You're joking, right? - No.
- Deidre, it's only a movie.
That's really sick.
- What? It's a page out of your book.
- Out of my... What?
Out of my book.
That's just great.
Now my book is the sick book?
- Why don't you want to finish this movie?
- I do! Why wouldn't I?
- Because... - Because why?
- You know why. - No, I don't know why.
- Because you know as well as I do
that as soon as we wrap this movie, you and I--
- While we're on the subject,
why are you even makingBill and Ben?
- It's a beautiful little script.
- Oh, bullshit! Bullshit!
- Bullshit?
- Uh-oh.
- When did the brilliance of this script hit you?
When you were watching your fianc?e
input into his Blackberry?
- What? - Have some guts!
Will you tell the poor schmuck it's a pass?
- Guys, smoke 'em if you got 'em.
- Even I'm starting to feel sorry for him!
- I'm going to take marriage advice from you now?
You on your 3rd, 4th, 5th?
- It takes guts to pull the plug when it's not working.
And that's why you're hiding out...
- A lecture on courage from you? From Suicide Charlie?
- More goulash? Come.
- Lionel told me. I'm sorry.
- Give me the phone.
I don't know how to call her. What do I do?
- Speed dial 2, press Send.
[ Ringing ]
-Da?
- It's Charlie. Wreck the car.
Hit a tree, put him in the hospital.
- OK.
I need map for location.
In back. You get please.
- Sure.
[ Crash ]
[ Speaking Czech
- OK chaps, we're ready.
Ready, ready.
Allrighty, then.
- For the love of God, let's shoot it.
- I'm rallying the troops for you, boss. We're so there!
OK, everyone!
- Yes, what is it?
- Remember, pick up the book in your left hand.
- Yes, yes, yes.
I understand, the book in front of the lens.
You told me 1000 times.
- You fucked it up 999 times.
- And we wouldn't want to sully your beautifully-designed shot
by putting an actor's face in front of it, would we?
- How's the goulash sitting?
- It's good. It's fine.
4-5-6 split.
- This is it. All the best.
- Oh, thanks.
- [Skip]: Everybody, first positions!
- Scene number 157, take one.
- Action!
- Mr. Speaker!
Gentlemen,
the honourable gentleman's natural excitement
is, as we know, a most prominent affliction,
as is his audacious manner.
May we humble servants of the Crown inquire
as to the genesis of this excitement?
- After a day of the most unceasing labour,
I have purchased for England,
all of Egypt's shares in the Suez Canal!
[ Applause ]
- Mr. Speaker, gentlemen,
I say grave questions of honour
hang darkly before us.
- The canal now belongs to England!
[ Applause ]
All the grubby gamblers, capitalists
and financiers of the world
have been plotting to grab it.
And we have outfoxed them!
- Why was Parliament not informed?
Why was this done in deceitful fashion?
- Because haste was of the essence.
I have never been through such a day as that!
I'm in a coma from ecstasy!
And now, dear England, finally,
France can once and forever more, shut up!
- Cut!
[ Speaking Czech ]
- [Skip]:Cut. That's a cut, thank you.
Excellwork, everyone.
- Hans? -Gut!
- Sir, can I check the gate? - Check the gate.
- Good gate. - Good gate.
- Gate's good.
[ Speaking Hebrew ]
- I love you all.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm relieved to inform you thatBill and Ben
is a wrap!
[ All cheering ]
?? Wish you more success ?
? More than I could ever have ?
? I wish you the most happiness ?
? Good friends are hard to find ?
? Don't make the mistakes I've made ?
? And if you do don't be afraid ?
- Where's the champagne? Where's the beers?
? Social loners and deadbeat hacks ?
? I open my arms for you ?
- Hi, Grier!
You've got a knack for finding wrap parties.
- You think you can fuck with us?
This film will never--
- Sit down. - I don't want to sit!
- Are you OK?
- Let me help you out on this. I'm pretty good at it.
You go back to L.A.
You say, "Those stupid producers!
"When I said salvage what you can,
"They thought I meant keep shooting!
"When I got to Prague, they wrapped."
- You're pretty cute.
- "And then I thought..."
This is you talking.
"Then I thought,
"They got Nigel Bland, Ian Chadwick for a song
"Why not look at some footage? A rough cut.
"It'll cost us nothing."
- We had that tax money
just sitting in Prague.
- Good night, darlings.
Congratulations.
- It may not be a total piece of crap.
Worst case, straight to video.
- Hi, Linda!
- Linda!
We got the shot! - Fab!
- She's a great costumer, by the way.
You should use her again.
- How's your wife? It's Pam, isn't it?
We used to do yoga together.
- I'm going to be the first to admit
this story's got holes in it.
Like, "Where have you been for 3 days?"
But you can work on that part on the airplane on the way home.
Does your mom still live in Chicago?
- Yeah.
- Your folks still together?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Where you going?
- I'm going to get my own room, Charlie.
- You don't take yoga, do you?
- I have.
- Yeah, but not with...
- No.
- Good for you.
- I've been well-taught.
[ Engine starting ]
- Good for me.
I'll see you at the premiere.
- [Skip]: You will, mate, if you send me a ticket.
- Thank you.
Bye, Deidre.
- Honey, don't cry.
- Goodbye. Send a rough cut in a month, yeah?
- You really took one for the team.
- I took many, for him.
- Ciao.
- See you in LA! - See you in Israel!
- Bye, Lionel, Levy!
? Good friends are hard to find ??
- I read a script, and I really think you'd like it.
It's about a Russian mathematician.
It's right up your alley.
Nothing happens, and it's really important.
A bunch of guys theorizing about numbers.
Huh?
I think we should work together.
We're a good team.
Berns and Hearn. Sounds like a vaudeville act.
You're really smart, and I'm nuts.
That's a good balance.
- What do you want, Charlie?
- I'll take a vodka tonic if you're getting up.
I want to work together, like partners.
- What I need to know is that when the going gets tough--
- Can I have my seat back?
- No. - Yes.
- Could you give us just a few seconds?
- No, we don't need it.
- Would you switch with me? I'm in 5a.
- He doesn't want to switch seats.
- He's a grown man. I think he can decide for himself.
- Will you go take your assigned seat?
- We have to work together a lot.
- No! Go away and sit in your seat!
[ Sighing ]
- What if I can--
[ Gasp ]
OK, OK...
- I didn't mean to eavesdrop,
but I couldn't help overhear you and your friend.
My son-in-law has written a script
and I think you might find it fascinating.
It's set during the 1996 Cricket World Cup, and...
- Come on, folks. You gotta move these cars.
- Well, thank you, Charlie.
- We had some fun, huh?
Bobby's kidnapping...
You sure this is what you want to do?
- You had your fun, you told your jokes,
show's over, time to go home.
- I don't want to go home.
- Why?
- There's a jacaranda growing out of my pool.
- I can't be your home, Charlie.
- Glenn? - No.
- Then why?
- Charlie, when we first started this,
I thought you were a joke.
And then I thought that you were, well, insane.
And then I thought that you were probably the bravest person
that I ever met.
- Thank you. I think you're brave too.
- I'm not finished.
Then I realized that you're not brave, you're detached.
- I know-- - I'm not finished.
It takes guts, you know?
It takes guts to want something
and to love something--
- Excuse me. Want me to put those bags in the trunk?
- Yeah. Thank you.
And to go after it. It takes guts.
I'm finished.
Hey, Charlie.
I love wha
[ Car braking ]
- Wait! Wait!
- Oh my God!
Are you all right?
- Ow!
- Oh my God! Why did you do that?
- I was trying to be brave.
- Leaping in front of a car is not brave!
- Don't yell at me, I'm hurt!
- Are you OK, sir? - I'm fine, really.
- Are you hurt or are you fine?
- I'm a little hurt.
- What were you thinking?
want you to leave.
- Well, what about "stop"?
- I thought we needed a more dramatic gesture.
- Oh, Charlie...
Oh my God...
- Can I ask you something?
Filmmaker to filmmaker.
- What?
- How did I do?
- Well, it's a start.
You can always fix it in post.
- I did hurt myself a little.
- Where? Where?
This? - Yeah.
- This is a mosquito bite, Charlie.
You had this when we left Africa.
- I'm bruised.
- Where are you bruised?
- Couple of places I'd really like to show you.
- Where did you hit the hardest?
- You really want to know?
[ Laughing ]
[ Cheering ]
So, that's my joke.
Now, here's the punchline.
Bill and Ben was nominated for 7 Golden Globes.
Ian Chadwick was shamefully overlooked.
- This was a passion project for the studio.
I've always been personally fascinated
with Benjamin Disraeli ever since college.
- Is that your daughter?
- Good heavens, no. I was hoping to sleep with her tonight.
-Nigel Bland nabbed Best Supporting Actor.
[ Cheering ]
Linda got nominated for costumes.
- You want to know about the movie, watch it.
It's all on the screen.
- It's got everything. Bodice-ripping, rowing,
sex appeal...
-And my nephew Lionel was nominated
for his very first script.
[ Cheering ]
- Fiona!
- I'm just so excited to be here and I love LA.
I love it!
-You know what?
I'm actually proud of this movie.
The producing team of Berns and Hearn
just signed Philip Seymour Hoffman
to play Pfnooty Luvovich...
Would you take our picture?
...the famous Russian mathematician.
- Who are they?
-We're shopping it around.
- It's not working!
- It's not working?
- The Suez Canal purchase was fearless
and he had this great sense of humour
and he delighted in breaking the rules--
- Interesting. Fiona, who are you wearing?
- I'm wearing Maya Solomon tonight.
- I'm wearing Maya Solomon tonight.O K, I got it.
Deidre and I had a tough decision to make.
- Nothing?
-Either clean my place up, or move.
We moved.
It's got a nice pool.
No tree, but...
And Bobby Mason...
Actually, it's Mohammed Muhkarrah now.
Anyway, Mohammed and his wife
are coming over to dinner next week.
Deidre's going to make baba ganouj.
And by the way, no one asked me,
but that tux I'm wearing,
it's an Edgar Pomeroy.
Closed captions:Global Vision